People-go-round

I am currently in this state of a dream-like world. Where everything is real, and unreal, where everything matters, and nothing matters.

Past, present, future are one thing. No emotions stick out.

I do not know how I got here either. Maybe I hit a point of realization on a major scale.


The other day I had a bit of a fight…if you want to call it that with a friend on board. The situation that caused us to part isn’t important. What is important is how we both reacted.

I hurt.

You think you gain real friends, but in the end it all doesn’t matter to some people. Everyone always moves on as will I. I’m not sad or happy about this. It just is.

I was upset for a number of days about how this friend and I just ended all interaction. We avoided each other like the plague. It truly was disturbing to me how the cards fell. There was such negative energy between us that was transformed from such positive energy. It was unbearable to me. I did not like the series of events that had taken place, but I also knew I could control this situation and change the direction that this was all going in. The question was: Am I going to do anything about this? I did just that.

I think it is an utter waste of time to stress about such minuscule things. I think it is wrong to forego a path of negativity full on knowing that you can change it into a positive one.

I will and would do this for people even if they don’t appreciate it. One thing I will not stand for though is for people to fake it-fake how they feel around me. I will not waste my time, and energy on those types of people. So instead of stressing…I move on. That’s all you can do.

I decided to forgive. I think that is a hard thing to do. It can be easy. It should only be given to people who deserve it though. I guess my intuition spoke to me. I don’t know. Almost instantly I felt like my atmosphere around me had changed.

Never end things on a bad note with people you meet, especially when they will remember you, or you will remember them. I’m taking about the people that matter in your world. The argument can be made that yes, every human matters in the world, and you encounter certain people for a reason, but I am a firm believer that not everyone can mesh well together. If you don’t mesh well, still make sure not to end things badly. It could come back to bite you. So, if just being a good person is too hard just think about what a person could do to you. I guess think in more selfish terms if being good to a person you don’t like is too hard for you.

I don’t know why this is all coming out weird. I may not be making any sense. Some or my regular readers are probably like what the hell is this. This isn’t about a tour she did. This is isn’t about crew stuff, or policies and procedures. You’re right. It is not about my job. This is not about what exciting thing I got to do or see, or what picture I took. It’s about my place in this world, on this ship, in this small community of people I interact with everyday, and how they leave and come into my life, and how I leave and come into other people’s lives.

Lately I have been faced with a lot of people preparing to leave this ship. I may never see these people again, ever. These people who you form bonds with, have fun with, argue with, cry with, fight with, laugh with, for some even fall in love.

One person that sticks out in my head right now is one person I only conversed with slightly while he was on the ship, than connected with on the very last day he was on the ship. He no longer is doing ships from what I know. I think his words to me I will remember forever. I will always remember the hug he gave me. It was almost like hugging a person that I knew for my whole life. Like as if my mother, or father were hugging me. The words he gave to me were ones of wisdom and almost a prediction of what was to come for me. This person touched my soul.

I right now I am just overwhelmed with emotion writing this. Call me an emotional person. Most people that know me don’t tag me as such. I guess I am becoming more in tune with what’s going on with my inner being.

I kind of just know who I will see, or never see again. I tend to follow my intuition, and trust it. The guy I talked about just a paragraph ago I know I will never see him ever again. I just know. Than there are others who leave and I just know we will cross paths again. I just know it. Than there are others who I hope we don’t cross paths, but I know it will happen unfortunately. It goes the other way as well, I hope I’ll get to see a certain person again, but I know in my heart I will never be able to.

Destiny at work I guess.

When you spend time on a ship with people, variety can be limited. Meaning the amount of different people you are able to hang with. I am the type of person that needs to hang with different people now and than. Unless you are one of my favorites, and I enjoy the company and I like spending time with you no matter how much time we spend together. I chose to get to know people from different departments, and cultures.

Here’s what happens on ships. You either always find people hanging with the people of their department (where photogs will only hang with photogs, or musicians with musicians ..etc..etc) or you get the people always hanging with the people on their own country. Yes, ships can be diverse…not this way though. You actually have to make an effort if you want a diverse experience…at least on big ships. The bigger the ship the more people break up into these sects.

I hang with not a crazy amount of different people, but I like to think that I have made an effort to get to know a lot of different people from different departments and cultures. I think of myself as the taboo girl, or at least I feel that way. Like the only American girl who plays ping pong with the guys from India, and the Philippines, or eats with the production crowd, or drinking with musicians---and not because I want to sleep with any of them(yes most girls do this) or just hanging out with the casino staff, or dancing with people from the Ukraine…all those things and all those people mean something to me. I hate how some people from my department judge me for this. It’s like she’s weird she’s not latching on to us, what!!!?? What’s wrong with her??

Of course I hang out with people from my department, of course I do. I like a lot of them, some I tolerate, and just try and be nice to them. But they are not the only ones I hang with.

On ships you can really get to know people, I guess the rule is you really find out who people are by their third cruise. If you really only hang with the same people allllll the time of course you get sick of them. You feel like this is the only person I’ve hung out with this whole time?? You feel like its been forever. In reality it’s only been like two months. Than you crave some variety….well now its their time to go, and a new person comes to replace them…you got your wish right??

Some you don’t want to leave. I’ve had a lot of people I got close with and in a months time of knowing them they leave the ship, and I’m like broken up about it. The time you spend is really dense. I’ve made different connections with people, different with each one, but a connection in one small way or another.


The rotation will continue, and maybe my next contract none of this will matter…I hope I do not turn into this drone…like some People I have seen on board. I do not want to turn into a person that just looks for one night, or the next drink, or the next guy I will pursue, or the next girl I’ll talk shit about. I do not want to turn into this person where no one matters besides people back home. I do not want to become this shallow, wicked, negative person that I see on board in many places.

I hope All of this still matters to me on each contract and all I do.

Everything matters. Each person makes an impact.

“It’s shiplife, its not reality”

Yes it is, and it is in fact real. People and feelings will always matter.



Sorry that this post was uber long, and may have not a bit of sense to anyone reading.